Month: May 2021

Husband: My wife is missing. She went out two days ago and hasn’t come home. Sergeant at Police Station: Describe her for me.  What’s her height? Husband: Gee, not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think….

So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee. She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him…

There was a threesome, a young man, his father and his grandfather warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach, when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They asked what her handicap was and she told them it was a 4. They said…

  A man and his wife were playing golf with another couple at their club. They came to a par 4, dogleg left. The man pulled his drive to the left and left it behind a storage barn. His friend said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll…

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn’t the right club, “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”…

  Monday morning at work and Sandy is sitting at his desk. Dave comes by and asks about his weekend.   Sandy says in a very gravelly, croaky voice, laryngitis sounding voice “OK”   “Got a sore throat”   “Nope”   “What happened to your voice?” asks Dave.   “Golfing” said Sandy   “Golfing? How…

            Foursome of older men are walking down a street on their annual golf trip. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true….

Two golfers, cart mates are playing their usual round. Fred was having a tough day with his driver. He was slicing everything. Dave had been driving the ball straight as an arrow. Fred was as usual way to the right in fact his drive was lying on a concrete cart path behind a hedge of…

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi were playing their weekly Wednesday round of golf when they slowed to a crawl. After waiting awhile, they walked ahead to see what the problem was when they came across four men on their hands and knees looking for their golf balls in the middle of the fairway….

  The Lion Tamer—— A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it.. This is one ferocious lion….

Retirement …One day a man decided to retire… He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying…

How men and women record things in their diaries. Wife’s Diary:    Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.  I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit…

A Scots Golfer, driving from the 14th Tee on the Queen’s Course at Gleneagles kept duck hooking his ball into the water hazard.   Unable to correct his swing, and running out of balls he started borrowing more balls from his partner. Finally there was nothing left but his partner’s package of new balls.  …

A fellow golfer is on a business trip to Doral and had a pretty good round. He decides to skip the business cocktail party and instead goes to the Grille Room bar. He sits down and orders a drink. While he is sitting there this luscious blond sits down beside him and asks him to…

  Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. “Gee Mike, you’re just not your old self today, what’s the matter?” asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, “I think Mabel’s dead.” “Damn, that’s terrible,” said Bob, “You said you ‘think’ your wife…

Number: 10  Golfer:    “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy:    “Think you can keep your head down that long?” Number: 9 Golfer:    “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.” Caddy:    “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.” Number: 8 Golfer:    “Do you think my game…

A famous golfer was playing golf in the Texas. He hits his golf ball across a fence into a farmer’s field. When he attempts to cross the fence the farmer pulls up in a pick-up, he jumps out and asks the golfer what he is doing on his property?   “Retrieving my golf ball I…

The guys were all on a golf trip.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.  They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.   The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next…

  An older golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying? The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win…

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, ‘What in the world is taking so long?’ ‘My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,’ Sam explained. ‘I…

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to…

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Dave. Let…

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,’ how do you stay in such great physical condition?’ I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape.  I’m up well…

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies tee.  The ladies are taking their time.   When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten…

Towards the end of a round of golf out at the Pine Hills Golf Course at Rocky Mountain House, Jeff hits his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. He hears a voice “Don’t hit the Buttercups!” He looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Taking his stance and…

You may, or may not know it, but my friend has been very busy over the past two years putting his thoughts and ideas together in a book about golf. I am very proud of his results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to…

Golf course, may I help you? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: What are your green fees? Staff: 38 dollars. Caller: Does that include golf? —————————– Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number? —————————– Staff: Golf…

Here is a golf ethics question for you. What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron…

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.  After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, “Marion. Marion” …

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, FL  exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the…

TEXTING LATE FROM GOLF

Three older guys, Bill, John and Sam are sitting the bar in the Grille Room. Their 4th had recently passed away. It was a true tragedy to the group. Ed was the the guy with the best vision. Without him, they had no idea where their balls were going. They also missed him for it…

  A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn’t want it known that he makes mistakes, so the…

  A golfer playing in Ireland hooked   his   drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,   he found a little   Leprechaun flat on his back,   a big bump on his head and the golfer’s   ball   beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from   the cart…

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, ‘Hello..’ He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind…

The guy is driving back from a golf match and pulls up to the turnpike tollgate in his brand new decked-out Cadillac. He hands the toll collector the ticket and the toll collector asks what that car is he’s driving. The driver talks about hands free voice activation, remote hood release and so forth. “Whoowee”…

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on. “Sure,” said the pro,…

Three guys were taking a playing lessons from a Pro. The first guy dribbled the ball off the tee. he asked the Pro what the problem was? The Pro said it was a LOFT problem.   The second guy sliced one into the woods out of bounds. He asked the Pro what was the problem?…

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor…

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. “Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously…

Sandy walks into the 19th hole bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman— He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’ ‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I…

I hit a duck   Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.   St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t…

JUNE 24, 2021BY JESSICA SCOTTNO COMMENTS BLOG 25 of the Best Golf Quotes Three over today: One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett 2. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula and I took…

Four guys, including Sandy have been going to the same Golfing trip to Ireland for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Sandy’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Sandy’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later, the…

  The golfer has been playing all afternoon. He gets to the 17th hole and on the road to the right of the hole he sees a rather long funeral procession. He gets out of the cart takes his hat off, faces the funeral caravan and puts the hat over his heart and bows his…

Some new golf terms to use when you’re out on the course…   A ‘Rock Hudson’ – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t. A ‘Saddam Hussein’ – from one bunker into another. A ‘Yasser Arafat’ – butt ugly and in the sand. A ‘John Kennedy Jr.’ – didn’t quite make it over the water. A ‘Rodney King’ – over-clubbed….

Husband: My wife is missing. She went out two days ago and hasn’t come home. Sergeant at Police Station: Describe her for me.  What’s her height? Husband: Gee, not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think….

I’ll just wait on the tee!